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jayzien
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Name: Jason
Country: United States
State: Oregon
Birthday: 2/19/1985
Gender: Male
Interests: Procrastination... and i'll finish this later!
hahaha get it? It's a hint that my procrastination is so bad that I can't even finish a list! Ahahahahah! Not funny :(
Expertise: Listening and solving problems
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  jayzien
Member Since:
3/10/2003
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| Hello!
I'm a bit sad to see that some people still use xanga... that means they can read all my emo posts from high school and college. | | |
| I start this entry by not really wanting to write anything at all. I figure that it's been a while so I should, but at the same time I don't feel that it's constructive. In this sense, perhaps I have grown up a little. I no longer feel the need to tell the entire internet about my problems, conundrums, or unfortunate events. Even though I have those same issues, they are issues that I can address personally. So talking about them is somewhat counterproductive, as every second is another moment that could be put towards making myself a better human being.
But then again, maybe I'm not really growing. Maybe I am just more embarrassed about my life. Maybe the severity of life problems increases with age. Who knows? | | |
| Imagine trying to reach the ceiling by jumping. There are two options: (1) simply extend your ankles and do one of those short hops... or (2) bend your knees and use the power of your whole leg to jump up. I would like to believe that this MCAT score is the last part of the bend before soaring upward. I don't want to go any lower.
Oh and by the way, fate.
GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.
/edit *in retrospect... this is probably one of the most emo things i've ever broadcast on the internet. seriously.*
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| The verb "to blog" has various definitions which depend on the context. In news, it's commentary pieces, news updates, article links, etc. Personal blogs have stories, emo rants (-_\\), photos, funny images and videos. My entire take on xanga, ever since... what... 5 years ago... has been that of using this thing as a journal and not a blog. I'm torn between starting a daily blog that really just records interesting discoveries in my day-to-day life. I definitely don't update this xanga enough for that, and I definitely don't want to be restricted by xanga's do-or-die format. If I do try to do the everyday blogging, it definitely won't be on this site. I think there's too much emo history for me to try. Seriously, I read past entries sometimes and wonder what I was so sad about. Life is good. Sometimes it just takes a uneventful Oregonian summer to really truly understand it...
suddenly, i want to go to the beach. damnit, I wish it was still 20 minutes away and not 1.5 hours.
And I invented a new word, derived from "home skillet" and "homie." I got tired of homeskillet, and I thought it sounded a little dumb. So I thought to myself, "Self, what is cooked in a skillet that would sound good after the word 'home?'" The answer? "Homelette." I haven't figured out the pronunciation yet... Home-lette sounds too much like a slang term for little-homo. H-omelette takes the emphasis off the home syllable... which is essential for the word homie to be recognized. Ah yes, I do think about these things. The viability of word creation. If I were to marry a girl, they should read the word "homelette" and think automatically "ah, that's clever. because an omelette is cooked in a skillet. so it's an evolution of home skillet. How funny, yet how sullung."
If you are that girl, hit me up. We got some wedding plans to take care of.
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| Who: Just me, really...
What: AMCAS personal statement
Where: Wherever I can isolate from the rest of the world and just write
When: End of this weekend
How: No idea.
How do I squeeze my life's goal into 5300 characters? I came to the decision that I want to become a doctor at some point... I think in junior year of high school. The motivations have changed. I have grown as a person. There are so many things that I think are important to talk about... and so many things that I think are important to mention so that I can increase my chances. Yet, those two things don't coincide. At the core of my goal to become a physician is the "I want to help people" stereotype. I've never held a dead African baby. I've never seen a surgery. I've never had to deal with or see somebody in my family deal with some awful disease. There was no real epiphany moment for me... the idea of going to medical school just kind of grew on me.
I wanted to become a psychologist because I listened to peoples' problems and wanted to help them find a solution. I wanted to become a psychiatrist because I didn't want to be limited in my options of therapy. I became a psychobiology major to prepare me for psychiatry. I realized that psychology is many times just a bunch of arbitrary symptoms and diagnoses based upon ambiguous experiments and pressure to publish. I still want to be a doctor now. Through writing so many personal statement drafts, I have really discovered a lot about myself. Still, I question if my goal arose through undiscovered reasons or if my reasons arose from a predetermined goal.
The real reasons why I think I should become a physician... are not the stuff of personal statements. I am an immediate gratification kind of guy, seeking to see results from every action I take. I have an attention span that extends only as far as what is in front of me. I place the welfare of others over my own when I can... probably because I want to feel like a hero. I gawk at doctors and treat them like rock stars, but I don't know if that is because I respect their life's work or because I have been envisioning myself as a doctor for so long. I have many reasons... but they are not noble at their core.
Is it noble to be a doctor? In my case, I think it is just a career that fits. I have a certain skill set and a certain frame of mind that makes me an ideal candidate to do the work that I see at the clinic. Is it good enough to fit? Shouldn't I be looking for something that truly calls out to me? What about all the other applicants who want this more than I do? What about ALL the others that are more qualified? I am from an Asian immigrant family in a state where 92% of the residents are white; that gives me an edge. I am an Oregon resident among the ~350 fighting for 80 spots while the ~3500 non-residents fight for 40 spots... another edge. I have a family that is willing to sacrifice for me so that I can follow my own path, which is perhaps the greatest edge. I don't have any truly notable accomplishments to my name. I underperformed in school. My extra-curriculars don't carry that much weight. I moved from position to position in different departments because I was moving or doing poorly in school or starting another rush quarter. All my positives are what I am, not what I have done... and that concerns me.
Even if I am admitted, I don't know if I deserve it. Suited for it? Maybe. Deserve it? That's definitely questionable. But what place does that have in a personal statement? Shouldn't I ooze confidence with every word? Why can't I sound like I bleed stethoscopes and IV needles? Why does my conscience impede my own writing? Deserving or not, I know that I will still apply this year. I have to at least put my foot in the door and hope that my file slips through the cracks to the interview. In that sense, I am selfish. I am going to try to make it past people who deserve medical school more than me. I am, from a certain perspective, trying to cut in line. If I get in, I will be incredibly happy and do everything to prepare myself for the next part of my education... but I will feel sorry for the person whose spot I take. I guess that may be the ultimate reason why I want to be a doctor. I feel for people at every level. No matter what childhood issues I harbor with the appeasement of other people or coming to the aid of those in need, that is what I've become.
Is that really a good reason to become a doctor? Is that a reason that the medical school committees want to hear? I am still struggling between being completely honest and stooping to complete pandering. Somewhere in the middle lies that perfect balance. Until I find that point, or decide to lean on one side or another, I am stuck in my writing. No single experience can perfectly symbolize my desire to become a doctor. So instead, I talk about a lot of different experiences, which I find add breadth but act more like support paragraphs in a high school essay than help build a story about myself. Every moment of the last two weeks has been a constant struggle to write a personal statement.... except for volunteering, where my mind can't afford to wander and instead finds focus. I can describe this process only as difficult. I write about myself, stay true to myself, explore topics and learn more about myself, and then question myself and eventually doubt myself. I am waiting for a stroke of genius to hit me where I can take enough risk to stand out, explain enough activities, talk enough about volunteering, and wrap it all together into one neat 5300 character statement on why I want to go to medical school. Until then... I guess I just have to keep searching for that balance. | | |
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